So I have to admit that I am not at all pretty or cute or even what some people say hot. I am far from any of them. At times I wish I was a tooth pick at other times I wonder in what even Stephen sees in me. I hate my body like no other. I am offically in the obese catergory and I feel that I can't even lose weight. I work hard to lose weight but it never happens. I just keep eatting and gaining it all back. I am never one of those girls who complain about how they look. Because that's not me. But at times I wish I have. I can't do anything to make myself look pretty. I can sure dress nice but that doesn't help with the huge bulge of a stomach. Sure i can add padding to my bras but that doesn't help with anything else. I feel completely disquesting with myself. Like today here I was working out sweating up a storm and I couldn't take much longer because my RA is bad in my hip. I want to be healthy. I want to be healthy. I want to stop and look in the mirror and be proud of myself. I want to be healthy not only for myself but for Stephen as well. Right now I am just distroying my body and nothing can stop me. I want to be able to do a lot of things without having the pain shoot up my legs, my arms, my hips. I want to be able to do things with my friends with Stephen.
Not only that I want to be able see myself as beautiful, as pretty, as hot. As something that is worth to live and to succeed in life. Right now I feel like I can't succeed. Who would hire me. Like today I am trying on my wedding gown for a fitting and I am scared to death that it won't fit. I am scared that I won't be beautiful on that day that I walk down the aisle.