Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Need to Be Healthy

So I have to admit that I am not at all pretty or cute or even what some people say hot. I am far from any of them. At times I wish I was a tooth pick at other times I wonder in what even Stephen sees in me. I hate my body like no other. I am offically in the obese catergory and I feel that I can't even lose weight. I work hard to lose weight but it never happens. I just keep eatting and gaining it all back. I am never one of those girls who complain about how they look. Because that's not me. But at times I wish I have. I can't do anything to make myself look pretty. I can sure dress nice but that doesn't help with the huge bulge of a stomach. Sure i can add padding to my bras but that doesn't help with anything else. I feel completely disquesting with myself. Like today here I was working out sweating up a storm and I couldn't take much longer because my RA is bad in my hip. I want to be healthy. I want to be healthy. I want to stop and look in the mirror and be proud of myself. I want to be healthy not only for myself but for Stephen as well. Right now I am just distroying my body and nothing can stop me. I want to be able to do a lot of things without having the pain shoot up my legs, my arms, my hips. I want to be able to do things with my friends with Stephen.
Not only that I want to be able see myself as beautiful, as pretty, as hot. As something that is worth to live and to succeed in life. Right now I feel like I can't succeed. Who would hire me. Like today I am trying on my wedding gown for a fitting and I am scared to death that it won't fit. I am scared that I won't be beautiful on that day that I walk down the aisle.

227.8 pounds

1 comment:

Stealth Blue said...

You've been beautiful at plenty of other times. Don't worry yourself over looks, but keep up your efforts. Especially on that day of days, the one day you really deserve not to stress.

Ironically I have the opposite problem. I need to gain about 10 lbs and some tone. Trail mix instead of gummy bears here I come.