Tuesday, June 21, 2011

A lot on my Mind

I am going to be real here because to tell the truth things happened in my delivery that I still have not stopped blaming myself. When I found out I was pregnant I was excited and I had so many hopes on how things would be. I dreamed of giving birth to my daughter the natural way and then be able to hold her in my arms right away. Then be able to take a ton of pictures of her at the hosptial. To show my family and friends my daughter either that day or the next day. To be able to breastfeed her right away. Heck I saw my sisters have sucessful delieveries. Also have watched them breastfeed their children and I love the bond that they have with their kids even now because of it.
My delievery didn't go at all like I had planned. I was induced three weeks early because of my blood pressure was high. Also my organs were calling it quits. I was scared to have her early but I knew that her lungs was out of the clear. When I stalled at six cm. I litterally broke down. I felt like a huge failure because I couldn't have her the way that I planned. I was scared and very hurt that my body failed me. Especially when I was already at 3 cm. for a week before. I rememeber just feeling like a utter failure. Ginny was born and she was quite large for being three weeks early. When I held her for a little bit in recovery, I tried to nurse her like I wanted to. Failure...she didn't latch on. But I thought I still have a chance to make this right. Later that day, I was going to try again...then the nurses took her away. She was put in the nursery because of her blood suger was dropping quickly and wouldn't stay up. They wouldn't even let me give her pumped milk. She had so many health issues and it scared me. They believe that I got diabites later in my pregnancy after the test. She was sent to Children's Mercy the next day. I wasn't able to hold her as much as I wanted and I wasn't even allowed to nurse her. When I was able to she still would not latch on. She would scream bloody murder before the nurse would take her away and give her formula or my pumped milk.
I tried...not to feel the guilt. My dreams were crashing down hard. I had PPD right away. I felt like a failure when the doctors suggested that I just give her formula in a bottle and sometimes pumped milk. I cried a lot. But I wanted her home so I did just that. When Ginny was a month old we went to our WIC appointment and surprise she latched on like a champ and was perfect.
Monday this past Monday we are back. she won't breastfed. I feel like a total failure and I just want to curl up and bawl my eyes out. I want to be able to feed her without the formula. I want her to get what she needs from me like it's suppose to do. I pray that things will turn around again soon and get better. I am just a failure and I feel like I should give up the dream of breastfeeding my daughter. Because I am not happy...I love my daughter with all my heart. I want her to have the best and I know that breastmilk is the best.

Monday, June 20, 2011


So...I get to have really neat things happen to me lately. I won a free book from goodreads.com...all they want me to do is read the book and review it...and tell the author what I thought of the book. Then I was selected on another website to read books on my kindle and review them on amazon.com and I get the books for free. Woot. Anyways...what does that mean. It means that I'll be posting book reviews on here as well...so get ready for some neat books.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

My Summer Goals

I can't believe how life can become so hectic. This summer has been super fast for me. I believe it's because I am not alone in the apartment anymore. Also because my day usually involves in changing diapers, feedings, and holding an infant. It's amazing how things can become so different. Anyways, I am working on becoming a better person slowly. I have so many different goals this summer it's amazing. Like, I just entered in weight loss contest on my favorite site sparkspeople.com in hopes that I will get down to below 200's by the time school comes around. That is close to thirty pounds that I would need to lose. But hopefully, I can get on to it.
Another goal of mine is to get the apartment organized. I want to be able to really enjoy living in my home. My goal is to organize it so that I will love living here and be proud of living here. Also it will hopefully, organize my school things that I am not stir crazy time school starts.
Last but not least. I want to make my marriage the most amazing thing in the world. I want my daughter to grow up knowing that her parents loved her and each other. To do that I want my husband to know how much I love him and finding things that will make our marriage amazing will be neat.
The very last one is to work through the Book of Mormon. I have been working on it but I want to really work on it. Even if it means that I am reading that and nothing else. I really want to work on it.
So what does that mean to my blog. Well...it means that each day will be something about those goals. Monday's will be about my weight loss journey. Wednesdays will be about my organzing journey, and Friday's will be about my marriage, and then Sunday's is about my spirtual. The other days will be anything that I want to talk about or if I want to take a break from posting. So...here goes life.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Book Revew: What I Did For Love?

The synopsis: How did this happen? Georgie York, once the costar of America's favorite television sitcom, has been publicly abandoned by her famous husband, her film career has tanked, her father is driving her crazy, and her public image as a spunky heroine is taking a serious beating.

What should a down-on-her-luck actress do? Not go to Vegas . . . not run into her detestable former costar, dreamboat-from-hell Bramwell Shepard . . . and not get caught up in an ugly incident that leads to a calamitous elopement. Before she knows it, Georgie has a fake marriage, a fake husband, and maybe (or not) a fake sex life.

It's a paparazzi free-for-all, and Georgie's nonsupporting cast doesn't help. There's Bram's punk-nightmare housekeeper, Georgie's own pushy parent, a suck-up agent, an icy studio head with a private agenda, and her ex-husband's new wife, who can't get enough of doing good deeds and saving the world—the bitch. As for Georgie's leading man, Bram's giving the performance of his life, but he's never cared about anyone except himself, and it's not exactly clear why.

Two enemies find themselves working without a script in a town where the spotlight shines bright . . . and where the strongest emotions can wear startling disguises.

My Review: I was bored in the very beginning of this book. It was very slow but slowly it really kicked off when you watch as Georgie and Bram slowly fall in love with each other when they were arch enemy in the beginning. You learn so much about how Georgie was a door mat for everyone her ex-husband and her father, as well as the press. While Bram was way to out there and didn't care what others thought. It took you on a wild adventure following these two as they show you that they equal each other out. It goes by the saying, "There is a thin line between love and hate." I rate this book a four out of five.

Why is having depression so taboo?

I am not sure I understand why depression is so taboo to have. Why hasn't society seen that depression is not something you can control on your own. It's not made up and it's not make believe. It shouldn't be a secret thing to have because thousands maybe millions of people have depression. Long ago in soceity they didn't know what depression was and they sent people to asylums to live their lives. To take them out of society. How do I know this because I had great great grandparents put in asylums.
Depression isn't something people make up. It's something that has to deal with the chemicals in their brain. They have too less of it and they need help with medication to stablize them. People need to realize that it's okay to having depression it's just one of those things. My mother has depression and you know what you can't even tell when she is taking her medication every day. I have a couple of friends who have depression and they keep quiet about it with others because they are scared of being different. I got news...we are all different. I rather someone be open about being on medication and having to talk to a perfessional to get them through then going to illigal drugs and drink until they can't remember. But you know what those things don't take away the pain. They may take it away for that moment but once those things wear off that pain will be back. Why am I...so...out there.
Because I HAVE DEPRESSION. I take medication for it and you know what that's okay. I am not scared to be out there with my depression. I was put on medication and you know what...I feel better then I have ever had in a long time. If you go back to some of my old journals online and read some of the thoughts that came in my writing. You would see a totally different person then you would see me now. I am not that depressed girl who cried inside and wanted out. I am much better and I am getting to be happy with myself. I am not scared of admiting that I have depression and I don't think anyone else should.
Kk -I have depression...and that's who I am.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Becoming a Mom

It's one thirty in the morning and right now I am pretty much wide awake. Of course Ginny is actually asleep already from her feed which is amazing. Anyways, a lot is on my mind right now. I never thought being a mom would be so amazing. Okay, I knew it was going to be amazing but didn't think it would be this amazing. It has taken a lot to get used to and I am still in shock that the little girl that is sound asleep in her pack n' play is actually mine. I tell Stephen that at times I believe that her parents are going to come and pick her up because it feels like I am just babysitting her. It's amazing though to see her look up at me and then when she notices that I am looking at her she gives me a grin. She just started to smile and it's not an every day thing. She's an amazing little girl and is growing so much. Stephen is wonderful with her and that in itself makes me love him so much more. Our marriage has never looked brighter as I show him that I love him. He shows it by taking care of our little girl.
I am sorry I haven't written in awhile. It's been interesting to try to find time between taking care of Ginny and taking care of the house. I am slowly getting the hang of it. I'll be used to it by the time school comes around. At least that's the plan anyway. Then I'll have school and homework to add to the mix. My life is changing for the better since becoming a mom. Anyways, I am going to try something and hopefully it will work and my blog will be more interesting to say the least. I am hoping to be able to make things shown in my blog.
Mondays: Will be my cleaning goal. My goal is to declutter my house and make it a real home. Stephen doesn't know this but that's my plan.
Tuesdays: Will be a picture day.
Wednesdays: Will be talking about my weightloss. eww
Thursdays: Will be book reviews
Fridays: Will be me relaxing...no blog post and none on the weekend.