Tuesday, June 21, 2011

A lot on my Mind

I am going to be real here because to tell the truth things happened in my delivery that I still have not stopped blaming myself. When I found out I was pregnant I was excited and I had so many hopes on how things would be. I dreamed of giving birth to my daughter the natural way and then be able to hold her in my arms right away. Then be able to take a ton of pictures of her at the hosptial. To show my family and friends my daughter either that day or the next day. To be able to breastfeed her right away. Heck I saw my sisters have sucessful delieveries. Also have watched them breastfeed their children and I love the bond that they have with their kids even now because of it.
My delievery didn't go at all like I had planned. I was induced three weeks early because of my blood pressure was high. Also my organs were calling it quits. I was scared to have her early but I knew that her lungs was out of the clear. When I stalled at six cm. I litterally broke down. I felt like a huge failure because I couldn't have her the way that I planned. I was scared and very hurt that my body failed me. Especially when I was already at 3 cm. for a week before. I rememeber just feeling like a utter failure. Ginny was born and she was quite large for being three weeks early. When I held her for a little bit in recovery, I tried to nurse her like I wanted to. Failure...she didn't latch on. But I thought I still have a chance to make this right. Later that day, I was going to try again...then the nurses took her away. She was put in the nursery because of her blood suger was dropping quickly and wouldn't stay up. They wouldn't even let me give her pumped milk. She had so many health issues and it scared me. They believe that I got diabites later in my pregnancy after the test. She was sent to Children's Mercy the next day. I wasn't able to hold her as much as I wanted and I wasn't even allowed to nurse her. When I was able to she still would not latch on. She would scream bloody murder before the nurse would take her away and give her formula or my pumped milk.
I tried...not to feel the guilt. My dreams were crashing down hard. I had PPD right away. I felt like a failure when the doctors suggested that I just give her formula in a bottle and sometimes pumped milk. I cried a lot. But I wanted her home so I did just that. When Ginny was a month old we went to our WIC appointment and surprise she latched on like a champ and was perfect.
Monday this past Monday we are back. she won't breastfed. I feel like a total failure and I just want to curl up and bawl my eyes out. I want to be able to feed her without the formula. I want her to get what she needs from me like it's suppose to do. I pray that things will turn around again soon and get better. I am just a failure and I feel like I should give up the dream of breastfeeding my daughter. Because I am not happy...I love my daughter with all my heart. I want her to have the best and I know that breastmilk is the best.

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