Tuesday, January 22, 2013

So many emotions

Hey, Not a lot people know this about me but I have deal with depression off and on through out my life. Before I found out I was pregnant with Ginny, we had a minor pregnancy scare. It was enough that I was super excited to become a mother. After finding out that my body was going through a fake pregnancy it killed me. I hit my all time low. I was just not happy with who I was and I could not be happy. Stephen was supportive and watched me many times just sit and cry on the couch or bed. So when I started having symptoms of pregnancy with Ginny, I did not want to believe that i was pregnant. It took two weeks for friends and Stephen to convince me that I should take a test to see if I was pregnant. I took it and did not want to even look at the test. I knew it was negative and I just took it to please everyone else. Stephen is the one who actually told me that it was positive. I had the best pregnancy with Ginny. I was happy and a lot of people could tell. Even some people said they have never seen me that happy before in my life. I never imagined that I would not have an easy delivery of Ginny. I knew that I would give birth naturally and I would be able to hold her in my arms, even breastfeed her. It started going down hill the Thursday before I had her. I found out that my blood pressure was high. Then we went to the hospital with high blood pressure that Sunday after. I knew i was already half way through getting ready to have Ginny. Then, I stopped progressing at a six. Monday morning, the nurse told us that it was time to have a c-section. I was crushed, a lot of my mom's health problems resulted from her c-section with me. I knew that I would never get a chance to have a baby natural. It hurt that I wouldn't be the first one to hold our daughter. She was born and her being stubborn that she is, she didn't cry. She just wanted to keep sleeping. When I finally was able to hold her, I tried to get her to nurse. She wouldn't latch on. I just remembered how natural and how easy it was for my sisters to nurse their babies. I was heartbroken to know that it was not going to be easy for me. The nurse checked Ginny's blood sugar and then whisked Ginny away. To shove a bottle of sugar water in her mouth. My mom said that I wanted to breastfeed her and no bottles and the nurse yelled at my mom. Ginny was then whisked to the nursery not allowed to stay in my room. I had to listen to tons of babies cry in the hallway knowing that my body was crying in nursery without me. I did not want to see anyone. I just wanted to be with my baby. She had many complications and ended up being transferred to Children's Mercy hospital. Thankfully, I was able to get out of the hospital. She never nursed and I tried to bring my milk in. I finally, stopped pumping at four months. I felt like a failure. I was put on depression meds and I was finally having my emotions steady instead of being all over the place. Then we find out expectantly that we are pregnant with Miles. I was in shock and scared. I was in block 2 of school and knew that I would be student teaching when Miles would be born. Then things happened and I am not going to be student teaching this semester. I knew my emotions are horrible with this pregnancy and will need to be put on meds again. It's sad to think that I am like this. I am greatful though for what I have. It's hard to say goodbye to Ginny every morning to go to school. Especially since she doesn't call me Mommy but Kendra. She calls her sitter Mommy and even Stephen sometimes. It's hard to not get mad and fustrated that my daughter doesn't love me as I thought she would. But I am always gone or tired to do anything. Or I have to sit on the couch to do homework. It's hard. It just makes me want to home school her even more. Kk

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