I had one of the best pregnancies with Ginny. I was not in a lot of pain at all and did not get morning sickness. The only major thing I had problem was heartburn. It was the worst. I had the perfect labor in mind, no meds (unless I thought I needed it), natural birth, no interventions to put in me in birth. I had contractions off and on since 25 weeks as I walked everywhere. Everything, changed when I went into my doctor's at 36 weeks. The doctor had the nurse take my blood pressure twice and then she told me that I had pre-e. I was sent to labor and delivery and was put in a dark room. They watched my blood pressure and also took blood. I was then thankfully after several hours sent home on bedrest with the job to keep an eye on my blood pressure. That weekend, my mom came down to keep an eye on me and also help monitor my blood pressure. It was creeping every so slowly up. Finally, after lunch on that Sunday, it was high. We went up to Labor and Delivery and my doctor was on call. She decided it was time to just start labor. I was already at a five so she thought I would have no trouble with it. I was given pitocin and was not allowed to eat or drink. My heartburn made me so uncomfortable as I had to lay on my back because of my blood pressure. I threw up many times of just stomach acid. At nine o'clock, my doctor came in and broke my water and asked if I was feeling contractions that were showing up on the monitor as pretty intense. I told her nope, and she left. At midnight, I felt some pressure and had the nurse check, I was at a six. I went in at three in the afternoon at a five. My mother-in-law with the nurse convinced me to get the meds so I could sleep. At seven in the morning, my doctor came in with a look of sadness. She told me that it was time for me to go in for a c-section. I cried...and cried my eyes out. It was nothing like I wanted it to be. I remember getting prepped for it and just bawling. I was scared because my mom had a lot of health problems because of her c-section of having me and still does. When I went into the OR, I was alone. I missed my husband, and I had the shakes so bad that I felt out of control. Thankfully, the med doctor was sweet and kept me calm. He would tell me everything that was going on. He even took a picture of my daughter entering the world with his cell phone and sent it to me. My daughter did not cry and that was scary. They kept spanking her and sucking her liquid out and she would not cry. She was so very sleepy baby. When I was wheeled back into a room holding her. I just kept glancing at her and her full head of hair. How I loved that little girl. We started skin to skin with my mom's help (my mom helped my sisters both nurse their kids) and she started to root. As soon as we got her latched a nurse came in and took her away. She took her blood sugar and then shoved a bottle of sugar water in her mouth before I could say a single word. My daughter never latched after that and I was being blamed for her blood sugar the way it was. My daughter was put in the nursery and I couldn't even attempt to nurse or even change her diapers. I felt like a total failure as a mom, and cried every time a baby in the hallway was crying. I started to pump right away not getting anything. Knowing they were giving my daughter formula and I couldn't do anything about it. Finally, my daughter health was not doing well so they flew her to the best NICU in the area. I was released 72 hrs after my c-section to follow her. The new hospital tried their hardest to help me nurse, but she just wouldn't latch. She took formula and what little I pumped which was an ounce total into a tube for her. She was finally able to come home eleven days later. With me saying that I would give her a bottle of breastmilk and the rest formula.
Every day, every two hours, I would have her try to latch on to me using a nipple shield or no shield. I would try for 15 min. trying to get her to latch on. Everytime, she would end up screaming her head off frustrustred. I would then hand her to my husband, or my mom if they were there or hold her myself to give her bottle to her. Then, I would spend the next 30 min. pumping an ounce of milk total. When Ginny was about to turn four months old, my milk went down to .5 ounces total. I resented my daughter for being born and was on meds for depression. The day before my sister-in-law was going to be married. I was pumping and talking to my mom crying as I wasn't even getting half an ounce while I watched her feed my daughter a bottle. I told her, "I can't do this to her anymore mom. I can't , I don't know her, I am so focused on pumping and making sure that she gets fed. That I don't even want to be her mom right now. That's not fair to Ginny." My mom said, "I will always love you no matter what you choose to do. If you choose to use only formula for Ginny, so be it." I then said, "Why, couldn't I have the same success story as you, and my sisters, and sister-in-laws. I had the drive and the paitence to breastfeed, why me." After that day, I stopped pumping and just bottle fed my daughter formula.
You know what, she's now a healthy four year old. We have the best relationship. It was one of the hardest for me to admit defeat for breastfeeding.
When I was pregnant with Miles, I told everyone that I would try to breastfeeding. I was going to give it a short, but if it didn't work out then I was not going to put the pressure on me. Miles was born at 37 weeks because of pre-e. He was wide awake during the repeat c-section and I felt great after it. Miles, was given to me and he latched on right away. It was an amazing experience and the nurses were great with letting me do what ever I wanted. This was the same hospital that I had Ginny. Miles had to leave my room for nursery for twelve hours. But, I had a great nurse that was taking care of him. I told her point blank that he was not to recieve a bottle what so ever. She said, "I wouldn't dream of doing that." She gave him the sugar water through an iv and slowly weaned him off. He was soon back in my room and I was still able to nurse him every two hours in the nursery. I was able to nurse Miles till he self weaned at 20 months old. Which was just in time because I was done with nursing him as I was pregnant with his little brother.
Because all of my hardship with Ginny, I know say that I will try to nurse my kids. I won't get my hopes up in case it doesn't work out because my kids relationship with myself is more important then the pressure to nurse.
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